Irreversable
by BLT
Summary: You asked for a follow up to what would you have done and you got it
1. What would you have done?

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, I just like to play with them sometimes

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, I just like to play with them sometimes.

What would you have done?

I'm not really saying you've been unfaithful, but there are some things that are hard to deny. You were the only person I ever really loved, and I know you felt the same way. You had protocols to uphold however far away their origins might be. You never let yourself say you loved me, you never even told yourself. You are Captain, I am Commander. I am a subordinate, us being together was against protocol. Why then did you fall for a hologram, even a traitor for crying out loud? They weren't your subordinates, they weren't your crew, I understand. But then, when Tom was made an ensign, he was B'Elanna's subordinate, that didn't stop them. I was never with anyone else, I saved myself for you. You didn't do the same for me. Then you met Jaffen on Quarra. You might have been brainwashed, not remembering anything of your life on Voyager. But you kissed him, you lived in the same house as him. While you were dating him, I was risking my life to get you and the rest of the crew back. When you were finally back on board, despite the gratefulness in your eyes, I could also see longing. Longing to stay with him, longing to have a relationship with him. That was when I knew I lost you, but I still understood. I can't say you played favorites, because you didn't offer him a position even though you wanted to be with him. I saw that you had given your heart to him and there was no where left for me in it. It hurt, but I moved on, with a lot of therapy from my spirit guide. I saw that all chances of us in a serious relationship were lost when we left New Earth, and I was just pursuing a fantasy. Then Seven asked me to dinner, with startling bluntness. In my craving to finally get close to someone again, I accepted. I don't regret it, or at least I didn't until I saw your face after the Admiral told you that we were going to get married eventually. When Seven thought we should end our relationship, I tried to hold on to it and not let her back out because of what could happen. Was I angry with you? No, but I finally found what I had been looking for my entire life, and wasn't about to give it up. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But why am I telling you that? You have lost more potential dates than I care to count. Gosh, am I glad that I didn't actually say that to you. Anyway, I waited for you, you pushed me away. I decided that I was hardly even your friend, just your advisor. Seven needed someone, what would you have done?

Computer, end log.

I'm not pro C/7 I swear, please don't eat me. Feedback please.


	2. It's too late

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, not me

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them, not me.

It's too late

"Chakotay, could you come to my ready room?" I ask over the com system. "I'll be there in a minute," is his reply. He's in astrometrics no doubt.

Why am I so mad at him, I am the one to blame. He should hate me; I don't know why he doesn't. I read his log once again. It hurts to hear him say that, to say that he'd been waiting for me. I obviously can't read him as well as he can read me. He said he understands, but maybe I don't understand myself. Protocols that I have been holding up, even though some of them don't really apply now. I could have had so much with him, and it's my fault that I don't. He was right, I didn't really tell myself that I loved him, but I did love him, and he knew it. I might have known for a while, but then I began to forget, or rather, it began to fade. I think of his smile, and I loved him just as I had before. This fire was not hard to rekindle. I never really thought about it before, but I have been with many other people while he was with no one. He is so much stronger than I am, being alone for all of those years, waiting for me to realize what we could have had. But I didn't, until now, and now it's too late. His words have made me truly regret my relationship with Jaffen that finally made him move on. I do love him, but now it is too late. I don't even know what to say to him, why I called him to my ready room. It's too late to fix that now too. I suppose it was some twisted sense of justice that's making me tell him I found his log; he at least deserves to know that, with all that he has put up with from me. I have made fist contact with more species than Kirk, why am I at a loss for words to say to my first officer?

Chakotay steps into my ready room, saying, "You wanted to see me Captain." 'Here we go,' I think as I hand him the pad that has his log recorded on it. "You might recognize this," I say. After scanning the first few lines, he asks, "Where did you find this?" "I believe you must have recorded this over dinner in the mess hall, and then forgotten to pick it up on the way out, I stumbled across it afterwards," I reply. I can see how he is just longing for the floor to swallow him up and never let him out again. "Captain, I'm sorry, I just wanted to get some things straightened out in my head," he mutters, staring at the ground. I smile a little, imagining him trying to telepathically convince the floor to eat him. "I believe it is me who owes you the apology," I say, "for not opening my eyes and seeing what was right in front of me." "But I just said all these mean things about you," he cries. "I don't see how any of what you said was mean, Chakotay, but you had every right to be," I reply. "How can you say that, after I have pointed out everything that has been bugging me for the last couple years," he counters. "What you said helped me understand that I have neglected you for my own selfish pride and you were the one to pay the price, you I tell you again, I'm sorry," I reply. "It's nice to hear you say that, but I'm with Seven now," he says. "I'm not asking you to end your relationship with Seven, you've given her something that I never could, love," I reply. "She needed someone to explore her humanity with, I suppose she thought she could trust me, I couldn't refuse," said Chakotay. "I understand," I say. As he turns to go, I call, "Chakotay, you are my friend, don't forget that." "Thank you, Captain," he replies, and then he is gone.

As he leaves, he takes a piece of me with him. I never knew that I rely on him so much. Not that that's going to stop, but it will be different. I recall once saying, "It seems like it's going to be one disaster after another on this ship." Chakotay has been the person who has helped me through all of them, but I didn't see it. Now it's too late to really get to know him. It's my fault that there are those lines that we never cross. It's too late to fix that.


End file.
